Change Your Questions, Change Your Life

Change Your Questions, Change Your Life: A Mindset Shift for Buying or Selling a Home

By: Donna Starr

One of the most transformative books I’ve read is Change Your Questions, Change Your Life by Marilee Adams. It’s a book that doesn’t just change how you think—it shifts how you approach conversations, challenges, and decisions. When buying or selling a home, a process filled with emotional highs and lows, applying the principles from this book can be a game-changer.

Let’s explore how shifting your questions can help you navigate the real estate journey with clarity, confidence, and less stress.

The Power of Questions

At its core, Adams’ book highlights that the questions we ask shape our reality. The way we frame our thoughts—whether in frustration or curiosity—directly influences our emotions and the decisions we make.

She introduces two key mindsets that determine how we process challenges:

• Judger Mindset: This mindset is reactive, critical, and blame-focused. In stressful situations like real estate transactions, it can manifest as:
• Why is this taking so long?
• Who’s at fault for this issue?
• Why didn’t I get a better deal?

These types of questions create frustration and limit problem-solving.

• Learner Mindset: This mindset is open, curious, and solution-oriented. It prompts questions like:
• What can I learn from this situation?
• How can I approach this creatively?
• What’s most important for me in this transaction?

The Learner mindset transforms challenges into opportunities and helps maintain a sense of control.

The beauty of this concept is that we all slip into the Judger mindset from time to time. However, with awareness, we can consciously shift back to the Learner mindset and navigate challenges more effectively.

The Choice Map: Recognizing Your Thought Pathway

Adams introduces the Choice Map, a tool that visually illustrates the two thinking paths we can take:

• Judger Path: Leads to frustration, blame, and stress.
• Learner Path: Encourages curiosity, problem-solving, and better outcomes.

Recognizing which path you’re on allows you to pivot when needed. By pausing and shifting your questions, you can reframe challenges and make better decisions.

Transformative Questions for Real Estate

Buying or selling a home is an emotional process. It’s easy to default to Judger questions, but reframing them can help you stay positive and proactive. Here are some examples:

• For Buyers:
• Instead of Why can’t I find the perfect house?, ask What are my must-haves, and where can I compromise?
• Instead of Why is the market so competitive?, ask How can I adjust my strategy to increase my chances?

• For Sellers:
• Instead of Why isn’t my home selling faster?, ask What adjustments can I make to attract the right buyers?
• Instead of Why do buyers keep negotiating?, ask What can I do to make my home more appealing?

• Working with Real Estate Agents:
• Instead of Who’s to blame for this delay?, ask How can we work together to resolve this efficiently?
• Instead of Why aren’t they bringing me better offers?, ask What insights do they have about the market, and how can we adjust our approach?

By choosing Learner questions, you empower yourself to stay adaptable and make informed, confident decisions.

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My Personal Reflection

As someone with extensive experience in leadership development and change management, I’ve seen firsthand how powerful this mindset shift can be in high-stakes situations. The home-buying and selling process is no different—it’s filled with uncertainty, emotions, and critical decisions.

One of my favorite takeaways from Adams’ book is the mantra: “Judger is automatic; Learner is a choice.”

While stress and negativity may come naturally, we have the power to pivot. Through intentional questioning, we can take control of our mindset and the outcomes we create.

Final Thoughts

Change Your Questions, Change Your Life is a practical framework for approaching life’s challenges with clarity and resilience. When buying or selling a home, shifting to a Learner mindset can make the process smoother, less stressful, and even more rewarding.

Next time you face an obstacle in your real estate journey, pause and ask yourself: Am I on the Judger path or the Learner path? That one moment of awareness can change everything.